♫ I keep letting you back in, How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else
See I know what we got to do, You let go and I’ll let go too
‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you, And no one ever will ♫
Today was the first time, in a really long time that I sat down with my family. I mean really sat down with my family.
We talked about my little cousins, talked about family back at their homelands, we even talked about my dead Grandfather. They talked about how they dreamed of him. I wish I dreamed of him. I miss him dearly. He went so quick, it wasn’t even expected at all. I was there when he died. I was in the room. It was weird, because I didn’t break down there, it was like I didn’t want to accept it.
Maybe he hasn’t come to me in my dreams because I’ve been so bad. Maybe he doesn’t really care—— he would be ashamed of me. But if he were here I know that he would just look at me and he could comfort me with just a stare or a hand on my shoulder. You know he never really said much, but when he did it was important.
I’ve wasted so much time on John. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve wasted time—-but this new information I found out. I miss him. I really do. I still think I’ll never find anyone else. And that no one else can love me—-but he really didn’t love me. He’s so far gone by all the drugs and lies, it’s all fucked up for him. He fucked it all up. And I still love him so. I just can’t believe all the shit that he’s done to me. All he had to do was tell me the truth. Is that too much to ask for?
I have serious male relationship issues. :/
I’m in love.
I’m in love with a man who doesn’t deserve the love I give him.
But it doesn’t stop me from loving him—-because no matter what, I still love him.
I would marry him if he asked me—-knowing full well that it would probably end or be worse.
I would have his kid, if he would let me.
I would give him the world, only if he would let me.
But the world is not mine to give.
—-my heart is.
I was stupid to think that things were getting better. I was dumb to believe him again to tell me that I was still the only one. I was pathetic to wait there for him, while he went off and did her, and came back to me. Then told me he didn’t know how her frizzy blonde hair got on his nuts.
And here I am. Sad. Depressed. Alone. Again.
My heart hurts. I want to cry, it will hit me later I’m sure.
Why does it hurt so bad? I mean why does it just kill? I never did anything to deserve this. I am the perfect girlfriend. He knows it. But he doesn’t care too much.
I’m a lost cause. Caught in a cycle that I just can’t seem to get myself out of. I want to, but I don’t want to leave him behind—-so maybe I don’t want to really get myself out. Thus—— I’m a lost cause.
He knows that I’ll always take him back. He knows that I’m so in love with him. He know that if he wants to go out and fuck around, he can drop the whole, “You’re being dramatic,” line, and then he threatens, that if I don’t quite it, that he’ll stop. And I get scarred and I feel threatened.
So I’m here in my bed. Been here since yesterday. I’ve only gotten up one, to go to the bathroom. So here I am, sad, depressed, lonely. I love him, I really do. But how much longer can I do this? How much time can I waste on this back and forth with him. I don’t want to share him anymore. I can’t. It hurts too damn much.
I just don’t want to live anymore. I mean, what’s the point of life? I don’t have any friends, none that really care anyway. The ones that I thought I had: one of them a pathological liar, another one a hidden pervert/pedophile in the making. It’s sad. :’(
I’m a lost cause.
I’m in love with a man, who uses, abuses, and takes me for granted.
I’m a lost cause.
Down, because it’s my Birthday weekend, I have no plans—-I did, but he’s totally bailing on me.
Out, because I my brain isn’t functioning at work. My heart isn’t beating normally.
Depressed, because the one person that can turn it all around, is off, with “Brandon”, “running around”.
Disappointed: in myself for letting him treat me this way. In myself for letting it go on this long. In myself for letting it still continue.
(via yourconfessions)
Here is the truth. You can’t deny it. What a bitch right? I asked him months in advance, if we were set for this weekend (it’s my Birthday)—-he repeatedly said yes. And this morning, I wake up to this. Just yesterday at dinner he told me he loved me, that I was amazing, he told me that he misses me, that I make him feel so good, that he swears that it’s only me. What a load of BS!!! Am I really the one that is over reacting—- if anything, I should expect this. But beyond that—- am I wrong?
